I see one comment on The Purple Sherpa’s Facebook page more than any other. It makes me chuckle and then shake my head in recognition. It’s the same response I had with advice that seemed so simple while I was reading or hearing it and so difficult, even impossible, as I tried the suggestion…
Easier said than done!
And, of course, that’s true. It’s always true.
Saying I’m going to make a peanut butter sandwich is easier than doing it. Saying I’m going to look for a new job? Leagues easier than updating my resume, deciding what jobs I’d like to apply for, searching the job listings, setting up searches, having lunch with people who might be able to make an introduction — well, you get the idea.
No matter what I say I’m going to do, the saying is always easier than the doing.
Doing something with the intention of affecting another person’s behavior or mood is advanced-level easier said than done. I have to know exactly what to do and how to do it. That’s hard enough… But then comes the real wild card of the other person’s response.
Even advice that anticipates a range of responses can’t identify every possible outcome. Add in the reality that dementia-related suggestions are intended to cause a response from someone whose brain is not functioning at full capacity… You’re pretty much on your own in figuring out how to handle the response unless it’s the 1% of the time when the response is exactly what’s predicted.
And so we receive advice, whether from an expert or a peer, roll our eyes, and think or say, Yeah, sure… That’s easier said than done. And we’re right. Period. End of story.
But “easier said than done” is also your brain’s way of moderating the disappointment you might feel if you try the advice and it doesn’t work.
Your brain wants to protect you. It knows that there’s every chance that the advice won’t work, or it won’t work quite the way it’s supposed to, or it won’t work consistently.
Your brain doesn’t want you to be disappointed yet again, and so it dishes up easier said than done as a way to protect you.
You’re still stuck with whatever you might try to change with the suggestion, but you already know that circumstance and you’ve already had your own response to it. That’s hard enough to handle. Easier said than done keeps you, maybe, from feeling more disappointment or frustration (insert your go-to negative response here) on top of that.
Let’s face it: sometimes you’re so depleted that you’d rather cope with an undesirable situation than try to change it. That’s the human experience. Surely I’m not the only one who’s ever thought I really want to lose weight while digging into a bag of chips after dinner.
It’s the same thing in dementia care, though we may not be able to see it as clearly. It’s easier to discount the advice from the beginning. And sometimes, that’s ok. Acknowledging that you don’t have the oomph to do the thing right now leaves mental breadcrumbs so that when you have more reserves, you can return to the idea and engage with it.
Here’s how to prepare yourself when you do have sufficient emotional reserves to try something new.
First, make sure there’s at least a part of you that thinks the advice is valid and might make a positive difference. If your loved one isn’t responding when you ask a question, you know that yelling at them in anger is not going to make a positive difference, so you’d reject that advice. But advice to kneel in front of them (or sit or bend over), to make sure they see you, then touch their arm while repeating the question? That just might work. It isn’t guaranteed, but it’s possible.
Consider whether there’s a significant chance of a strong negative outcome, such as provoking a catastrophic reaction in which your loved one gets upset or angry completely out of measure what whatever you’re trying. If so, maybe the likelihood of a negative reaction outweighs the potential of the benefit the advice offers.
Next, game out where you think the advice might fall apart for your situation. Has dementia advanced to the point that your loved one doesn’t understand what you’re saying most of the time? If so, repeating the question probably won’t work even if you add physical actions to be sure your loved is paying attention to you. Instead, maybe you demonstrate the question instead. Instead of asking, “do you want a cookie,” you might hold out a cookie. Or you might take a bite of a cookie, then hold it out to your loved one. See what could possibly work, what very likely won’t work, and how to adjust the advice accordingly.
Finally, remind yourself that it’s ok if it doesn’t work. Nothing ventured, nothing gained — it’s a cliché because it’s often true. Assuming you won’t make things worse with whatever you’re trying, the risk of not trying is that things stay the same.
Next time you see advice and think, Yep. Easier said than done… Thank your brain for trying to protect you. Decide how much protection you need right now. If you’re good to try, see it as an experiment, anticipate any negatives outcomes you can and decide how to handle them, and then give it a try. And if your effort doesn’t work right away, consider adding it to your library of ideas for future reference.
Easier said than done? You bet. But don’t let that true statement stop you from trying ideas that might just improve your and your loved one’s lives.
